10. Ask the praise band to take the chorus of “Were You There” to the next level. Revise the music to include several key changes and higher octaves to encourage more weeping. Abandon the 24-times method and go with 48.
9. As the Passion narrative is read, you may want to play a recording of a nail being pounded. If you're feeling creative, ask for a volunteer to come up and drive nails into a wooden cross for all to see. Or, better yet – have the kids come up and take a turn with the hammer. Family fun for everyone!
8. Make sure you present something similar to “The Last Seven Words of Christ.” Do this in a way that convinces people that these phrases all came from the same gospel. By divorcing them from their historical context and removing them from each particular narrative, you stand a greater chance at them being used viciously in theological arguments!
7. Provide a box of Kleenex tissues on every pew or chair. Glare judgingly at parishioners who do not weep.
6. Remember – Jesus must always have a betrayer. Thank God for Judas! As you are thinking about how to portray Judas, be aware that you may get the chance for a really good tie-in with a “modern day” betrayer of Christ. This is a really great opportunity to stir up some political opposition. A good example: Barack Obama is a Socialist.
5. Calm all questions about Christ's death by cleverly changing the word “atonement” into “at-one-ment.” Say it repeatedly; have it printed in bold letters in the bulletins. Have the congregation repeat it together as they listen to the sound of the nails being hammered.
4. Prominently display examples of the kinds of instruments and weapons used against Jesus before he was crucified. This is guaranteed to increase your professions of faith by 35%!
3. Preach nostalgically about when you were a child and the United States was faithful to Christ. Leave a strong impression that those of other faith traditions are our cross to bear.
2. Go heavy on the suffering. Provide little slips of paper during the service so people can fill out the ways God is calling them to suffer.
1. Always emphasize the individual. Never leave anyone with the idea that sin is communal or systemic; in fact, that would be the worst thing you could do. After all, what kind of church would we have if we started preaching social justice?

Your good buddy Uncle Luther has noticed some confusion when it comes to proper behavior as it pertains to Christians on the road and in church parking lots. In response to this, I have written for your reference, a handy little guide to Christian etiquette whilst driving.

1. It is considered rude, in bad form and quite damaging to one’s witness when one runs another vehicle off the road in one’s mad dash to arrive at Sunday services on time.
2. Cutting people off in the church parking lot is highly frowned upon. It is generally known we will all receive our communion wafers at approximately the same time.
3. Should you decide to decorate your automobile with a fish, Christian bumper sticker, or private Christian school license plate, it is strongly suggested your driving record be as spotless as Christ’s robe. It would be profaning the name of Christ for one of His followers to have a fit of road rage while driving a God-mobile around the city.