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It all began about a quarter century ago. A husband and wife, both very talented attorneys, decided to have their first child. She was always a prodigy; at eight months, she spoke her first sentence: “I love you.” She wasn’t allowed to watch much television, but she could read any books she wanted. After spending time in a Presbyterian preschool, her parents decided to send her to Sunday school at a Baptist church. At age three, she applied to and was accepted to a prestigious preparatory school, where she would spend fourteen years. I always seemed to have pretty much everything going for me in life; I was very fortunate in many ways. Unfortunately, the mind can be its own worst enemy.
I don’t remember how the thoughts began. I can remember horrible guilt as early as age eight. I was terrified of becoming pregnant or catching diseases from the television. I can remember feeling the need to bargain in my head and what I would find out later go through motions known as “rituals” or “compulsions.” Still, I was always a bright child; I wanted to go to college at fourteen, but my parents thought it would be better for me to go through the social experience of high school. A mere week or two after I began high school, I had to be pulled out. I had stopped wearing contact lenses. I had stopped bathing. I had no idea what was wrong with me, and I didn’t receive a correct diagnosis until I was twenty-one: I have severe obsessive-compulsive disorder. I’ve been told many times that it’s a miracle I’ve been able to excel in so many areas with my mind essentially battling itself.
Many of my obsessions were related to my Christian faith. I was constantly terrified of hell, sending other people to hell, somehow causing the world to end, or something else Biblically catastrophic. One day a few months ago, I finally decided to write a letter to the church which had treated my disorder in such an irresponsible manner. The letter says it better than I could by simply re-iterating my experience, and so I offer it here, despite the fact that I have yet to actually send it to the church…and I don’t know if I ever will:
I want to begin by stating that I consider myself a Christian. In fact, I attended First Baptist until around the age of 15. Unfortunately, the reason I feel the need to mention both of these points is that I feel otherwise, your church will find it far too easy to ignore the contents of this communication, and this information could be crucial to the lives of many of your members.
When I was fourteen, I essentially had a nervous breakdown. I stopped speaking, and I was constantly terrified of going to hell despite having been saved and baptized, partly due to the strong “hellfire and damnation” emphasis of the church. To add insult to injury, several members o the church took my condition to mean that I was either possessed or haunted by demons and that although I thought I was saved, I may not have been saved “right.” I was given ritualistic prayers. In addition, I was discouraged from seeking regular psychiatric treatment, as the individuals involved were absolutely convinced that what I actually needed was spiritual guidance, not medication. I was told unequivocally that if I simply tried hard enough, these worries and thoughts which had been with me since very early grade school would go away and that their continued presence indicated that I was not "right with God." I was also instructed that there might be objects in my home harboring demons and that I was to walk around my house praying over objects, setting fire to the ones which I felt might have a demonic presence.
While it is true that directly addressing the church on this matter does give me a certain degree of comfort, I am far more concerned with the effect these attitudes may have on other youth in similar positions. First Baptist in particular treated my illness as entirely spiritual, only adding to the feelings of guilt and shame that already pervaded my life. In fact, because people whom I perceived as authorities repeatedly assured me that this problem was demonic in nature, when I did see a psychiatrist for medical treatment, the process was even further complicated as several doctors could not determine if I was suffering from schizophrenia or psychosis when I repeated the information I had been given.
It took seven long, painful years to get a medical diagnosis and even longer than that to develop an effective treatment plan. My problem is not caused by spiritual issues. It is not caused by a need to be “right with God.” I suffer from severe obsessive-compulsive disorder, and even now, having completed college and graduate school, it still hurts me to look back and see the devastating effect caused by the well-meaning advice I was given by your church.
My point is simple: I would like to urge the church to develop a better understanding of psychiatric conditions and the physical, often genetic abnormalities that can cause them. I am hoping that in the time since I attended, you as a whole have become more educated in these areas. If not, I believe it absolutely crucial that you do so as soon as possible. Many members and leaders of churches are seen as guides and counselors for young people, and to refrain from teaching them about genuine mental illness would be a terrible thing. I do not want another person to experience what I have. I do not think it is right or responsible to discourage individuals from seeing medical professionals for mental issues; in fact, even the Catholic church requires medical evaluation before deciding that a person’s problems stem from demonic forces. Please don’t let another child spend her teen years in complete fear, feeling like a spiritual failure because of her inability to control an issue with the physical structure of her brain. Please don’t let anyone else who may be suffering feel unable to face these problems without distancing herself from the support system of the church. Young people in these situations need all the support that can be made available.
Information on many of the mental health problems adolescents may face is easily available on the Internet. It should also be fairly easy to get information from one of the local hospitals.
That’s what I want. I just want people to be informed. I don’t want anyone else who is already suffering to be put through further torment through his or her own faith, which should be a source of comfort. I’m understandably nervous about putting this information out so publicly, but I think the potential good to others outweighs any negative effect it could have on me.
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